What Makes a Great Mother or Father? The Little Things

http://inspirationalparenting.com
By Taz, on June 21st, 2009

When I was in my twenties, my gaze was always focused on the big things—finding the “perfect” partner, the “to-die-for” job, the “huge” book deal, or getting into the “best” graduate school. Little things didn’t matter much; they were unnecessary distractions that I treated as rounding errors. I either ignored them or focused on what came before or after. Looking back, I can see that how deeply I was affected by films and operas. I was always waiting for the sweeping climax that would bring resolution, on a grand scale, to my life. I was young and eager to fit together the largest pieces of the puzzle of life, foolishly believing that the remaining bits didn’t matter.


But now that I’m well into my thirties, my view has switched. It’s as though someone pulled the telescope out of my hands and replaced it with a microscope. Now my life is all about the small things. My emotional landscape hinges on soft washes of color applied with the finest brushes. Faint details can render me feeling exalted or defeated. One stroke can make or break the image that I call my life.

This week was no different: The small things figured most prominently. My daughter Ayla learned to say “Up a tree,” her first three-word sentence used in the right context. She says it in our secret language—everyone else hears “Uh-tee” but I know she’s telling me that the chipmunk (“mah”) went up that tree. Ayla also learned how to wash her body in the bath. She waits for me to pour some baby wash into her hand and then scrubs her belly in large, rough circles. Tiny things, right? Nope. Only a parent knows that it’s northing short of a miracle when your child’s brain, muscles and synapses work in unison toward a common goal.

An even more infinitesimal highlight was when Ayla leaned over and kissed my entire face, articulating each kiss with a “mwa, mwa, mwa” sound. In that moment, my heart sung in sunny, optimistic chords. The joy of being kissed by your child, with such relish, brought to mind the beauty of the sun interacting with a cloud—and showering the earth with a spray of sunbeams—or the awe inspiring fan of mist that results when a thumb and water-hose meet at just the right angle.

The low points were just as microscopic. I’ve been struggling to organize a childcare coop with some local parents, and this week brought a few unexpected delays. In a year, I’ll look back and wonder why these events nearly crippled me. But right now, creating a childcare model that matches my aspirations for Ayla’s care means everything to me. The critical email I received from a prospective employee made me doubt my vision. A promise to participate in the coop that was nearly revoked filled me with despair—would I be able to find an adequate replacement? Or more importantly, did I have the will to keep trying until we finally got this Utopian model to work?

Ten years ago, I would have swatted away both setbacks like a fly that got through a hole in the windscreen. In my twenties I would have declared both individuals “crazy” for not wanting to participate and immediately replaced them. I would have stayed focused on the big picture, the grand payoff at the end.

But parenthood has turned everything upside down. The supposedly big news I received this week—that I finally found a publisher for a leadership book I’ve been writing with a friend for nearly four years—barely made an imprint on my emotional landscape. “I can’t deal with this now,” were my exact thoughts after receiving the great news. Most writers live and die for each book deal, and I was no different pre-Ayla. But now I know that I can’t tackle a book until I’ve got the small details worked out. Until I know that Ayla is well cared for in my absence, I won’t be able to write anything of value and offer it to the world.

Some days I wonder whether our perspective keeps shifting, from large to small and back again, or whether it grows more refined over time. Do the big things cease to matter at a certain stage in life? Is God really in the details? Objectively speaking, I know that I haven’t got any of the “big” things right. The perfect job, relationship and book continue to elude me. But in those small spaces of time in my day when I’ve got nothing to do, I feel a big happiness well up inside me, that reminds that I must be doing something—however small—just right.

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Abusive Parents

Living with abusive parents can have long time psychological effects on children. Hence, knowing about abusive parents is important to help children in your neighborhood or class who suffer from abuse from their parents. This article will give you some valuable information on abusive parents.

Child abuse is definitely a serious issue and more so when it is done by the parents themselves. Though most people will not believe that parents can abuse their own children, it is a problem that is faced by many young children irrespective to class, race, gender and country. Most people think that child abuse by parents is only physical, however, this is totally untrue. Rather, there are various types of abuse that children can suffer from the parents.

Parental abuse can be emotional, physical and sometimes even sexual. However, the most common and severe parental abuse is when they neglect their children physically as well as emotionally. Exposure to such kind of abuse can cause serious distress in children as the people who are supposed to love and take care of them while in distress are the ones who are actually hurting them. As abusive and neglectful parents can cause severe physical, mental and emotional damage to the children and hamper their normal development, it is important to recognize and take care of children who are being abused by their parents. Hence, let us take a look at abusive parents facts and the effects they can have on children.

What Causes Abusiveness in Parents?

One of the common reason for parents to become abusive towards their kids is that they themselves have experienced it during their childhood. Many people do not even realize that they are abusing their children because such kind of behavior would be something that they would consider as normal. Some parents take aggression and violence as a way of controlling their children. Apart from this, parents who are suffering from certain kind of mental illness or personality disorder can also be abusive towards their children. Moreover, children with parents who have a drinking problem or substance abuse can also become victims of parental abuse as they may be neglected by their parents totally.

Signs of a Child Dealing with Abusive Parents

As the abusers, in this case, are parents themselves, recognizing the signs of abuse can be a little difficult for an outsider. Moreover, children who are victims of the abuse may not come up with the issue because of the fear of getting hurt by their caregivers again. Nevertheless, there are some signs that one can look for, if they suspect that a child is undergoing abuse by his/her parents.

Signs of Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is surely the one that can be recognized easily. Physical abuse like hitting, pinching, beating, shaking, burning, etc., are often used by parents as ways of punishing their children for some wrongdoing. They think that it is the best way of disciplining their children. However, this causes the development of fear in children towards their parents. Children who are being physically abused by their parents can be seen with unexplained and frequent injuries like cuts, bruises and welts. They may shy away from touch or may seem to be afraid of going home.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Little children need love and attention from their parents during their growing up years to feel secured. This should be done not just by buying them gifts, but also by hugging and kissing them. Also, kids like to be appreciated for their achievements by their parents, even if it is small one. However, when this does not happen and the child is humiliated at every step by the parents by calling her a stupid or a fool, the kid can be said to be a victim of emotional child abuse. Such parents may call the child worthless and constantly compare her negatively with other children. Emotionally abusive parents may punish their child by yelling and threatening her or may be by ignoring her completely.

Children who are exposed to domestic violence i.e. if one of the parents is abusing the other, the child can be called a victim of emotional violence. Children who are emotionally abused by their parents are usually fearful, anxious and withdrawn. They may not show any kind of attachment towards their parents or caregiver. They may exhibit extreme behavior, i.e., some kids may behave like adults, while others may show infantile behavior like throwing temper tantrums, rocking, thumb sucking, etc.

Signs of Child Neglect

Parental neglect is said to be one of the most difficult type of abuse to detect as well as to define. Neglect can be defined as a situation where the parents completely ignore the children, both physically as well as emotionally. Such parents may not bother to fulfill their children's basic needs like proper food, clothing, etc. They may leave their children unsupervised at home or at places where the children are not safe. Some of the warning signs that people can observe in a child who is neglected by his parents are filthy and ill fitting clothes, untreated physical injuries and health problems, etc.

Signs of Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse of children is not uncommon, though hardly spoken of. In most cases, the culprit is a close friend or relative and in certain cases, parents themselves. Though people think that only girls become victims of sexual abuse, this is actually quite untrue. Rather, even little boys can become victims of sexual abuse. Children who are abused sexually are usually filled with shame and guilt and are likely to blame themselves for the happenings. Some of the signs that a sexually abused kid may show include difficulty in sitting or walking, making efforts for avoiding a person, showing knowledge about sexual acts, etc.

Abusive Parents: Effect on Children

Growing up in an environment where their physical, emotional and mental needs are not fulfilled does have a strong negative impact on the minds of children. Though the scars left by physical violence will not last for a long time, the emotional scars etched on their minds are permanent and can damage their life as adults.

• Children who have suffered abuse from their parents usually find it difficult to form and maintain long-lasting relationships as adults. As the emotional needs like trust, security, reliability, etc. are not fulfilled in the relationship with the parents, the children are not able to form good and healthy relationships because they do not understand that these are the basic things that are required to maintain a loving relationship.
• Living with abusive parents can hamper the self-esteem of children as parents constantly telling them that they are stupid and worthless for a long time, may make them that it is actually true. As adults, they may not be ready to take up challenges like higher studies, better job, etc., because they may consider themselves as incapable of such achievements.
• The emotional damage caused by sexual abuse, especially by their parents will be most severe. They may live with the feeling of shame and stigma throughout their adult life. Sometimes, this may lead to the occurrence of severe mental as well as psychological problems in the person.
• Children of abusive parents may have difficulty in expressing as well as for controlling their emotions. They are also likely to get addicted to alcohol or drugs, just to relieve the painful thoughts caused by parental abuse.

I hope you have understood the dangerous effects that abusive parents can have on the psyche of children. Hence, if you suspect a kid in your neighborhood or may be in your family undergoing abuse from his/her parents, it is important to make certain efforts to save the child from the damages caused by it. Children who are abused by their parents can be helped with proper treatment and therapy. Though most people ignore such things due to the fear of interfering in other people's lives, you must remember that a step made by you can make a huge difference in the life of an innocent child.

By Deepa Kartha
Last Updated: 9/21/2011

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Article from Buzzle.com
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Child Abuse and Neglect

RECOGNIZING AND PREVENTING CHILD ABUSE

Child abuse is more than bruises and broken bones. While physical abuse might be the most visible sign, other types of abuse, such as emotional abuse or child neglect, also leave deep, long lasting scars. Some signs of child abuse are subtler than others. However, by learning common types of abuse and what you can do, you can make a huge difference in a child’s life. The earlier abused children get help, the greater chance they have to heal from their abuse and not perpetuate the cycle. Learn the signs and symptoms of child abuse and help break the cycle, finding out where to get help for the children and their caregivers.


Understanding Child Abuse and Neglect

Child abuse is more than bruises or broken bones. While physical abuse is shocking due to the scars it leaves, not all child abuse is as obvious. Ignoring children’s needs, putting them in unsupervised, dangerous situations, or making a child feel worthless or stupid are also child abuse. Regardless of the type of child abuse, the result is serious emotional harm

Myths and Facts About Child Abuse and Neglect

MYTH #1: It's only abuse if it's violent.

Fact: Physical abuse is just one type of child abuse. Neglect and emotional abuse can be just as damaging, and since they are more subtle, others are less likely to intervene. .

MYTH #2: Only bad people abuse their children.

Fact: While it's easy to say that only "bad people" abuse their children, it's not always so black and white. Not all abusers are intentionally harming their children. Many have been victims of abuse themselves, and don’t know any other way to parent. Others may be struggling with mental health issues or a substance abuse problem.

MYTH #3: Child abuse doesn't happen in “good” families.

Fact: Child abuse doesn't only happen in poor families or bad neighborhoods. It crosses all racial, economic, and cultural lines. Sometimes, families who seem to have it all from the outside are hiding a different story behind closed doors.

MYTH #4: Most child abusers are strangers.

Fact: While abuse by strangers does happen, most abusers are family members or others close to the family

MYTH #5: Abused children always grow up to be abusers.

Fact: It is true that abused children are more likely to repeat the cycle as adults, unconsciously repeating what they experienced as children. On the other hand, many adult survivors of child abuse have a strong motivation to protect their children against what they went through and become excellent parents.

Effects of Child Abuse and Neglect :

All types of child abuse and neglect leave lasting scars. Some of these scars might be physical, but emotional scarring has long lasting effects throughout life, damaging a child’s sense of self, ability to have healthy relationships, and ability to function at home, at work and at school. Some effects include:

Lack of trust and relationship difficulties. If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust? Abuse by a primary caregiver damages the most fundamental relationship as a child—that you will safely, reliably get your physical and emotional needs met by the person who is responsible for your care. Without this base, it is very difficult to learn to trust people or know who is trustworthy. This can lead to difficulty maintaining relationships due to fear of being controlled or abused. It can also lead to unhealthy relationships because the adult doesn’t know what a good relationship is.

Core feelings of being “worthless” or “damaged.” If you’ve been told over and over again as a child that you are stupid or no good, it is very difficult to overcome these core feelings. You may experience them as reality. Adults may not strive for more education, or settle for a job that may not pay enough, because they don’t believe they can do it or are worth more. Sexual abuse survivors, with the stigma and shame surrounding the abuse, often especially struggle with a feeling of being damaged.

Trouble regulating emotions. Abused children cannot express emotions safely. As a result, the emotions get stuffed down, coming out in unexpected ways. Adult survivors of child abuse can struggle with unexplained anxiety, depression, or anger. They may turn to alcohol or drugs to numb out the painful feelings.

Types of Child Abuse

There are several types of child abuse, but the core element that ties them together is the emotional effect on the child. Children need predictability, structure, clear boundaries, and the knowledge that their parents are looking out for their safety. Abused children cannot predict how their parents will act. Their world is an unpredictable, frightening place with no rules. Whether the abuse is a slap, a harsh comment, stony silence, or not knowing if there will be dinner on the table tonight, the end result is a child that feel unsafe, uncared for, and alone.

Emotional Child Abuse

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? Contrary to this old saying, emotional abuse can severely damage a child’s mental health or social development, leaving lifelong psychological scars. Examples of emotional child abuse include:

Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating a child
Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
Telling a child he or she is “no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake."
Frequent yelling, threatening, or bullying.
Ignoring or rejecting a child as punishment, giving him or her the silent treatment.
Limited physical contact with the child—no hugs, kisses, or other signs of affection.
Exposing the child to violence or the abuse of others, whether it be the abuse of a parent, a sibling, or even a pet.

Child Neglect

Child neglect—a very common type of child abuse—is a pattern of failing to provide for a child's basic needs, whether it be adequate food, clothing, hygiene, or supervision. Child neglect is not always easy to spot. Sometimes, a parent might become physically or mentally unable to care for a child, such as with a serious injury, untreated depression, or anxiety. Other times, alcohol or drug abuse may seriously impair judgment and the ability to keep a child safe.

Older children might not show outward signs of neglect, becoming used to presenting a competent face to the outside world, and even taking on the role of the parent. But at the end of the day, neglected children are not getting their physical and emotional needs met.

Physical Child Abuse

Physical abuse involves physical harm or injury to the child. It may be the result of a deliberate attempt to hurt the child, but not always. It can also result from severe discipline, such as using a belt on a child, or physical punishment that is inappropriate to the child’s age or physical condition.

Many physically abusive parents and caregivers insist that their actions are simply forms of discipline—ways to make children learn to behave. But there is a big difference between using physical punishment to discipline and physical abuse. The point of disciplining children is to teach them right from wrong, not to make them live in fear.

Kelsey Briggs : True Child Abuse Story .....