Making Allowances Work for You and Your Children

Article from About.com

Lots of fathers have lots of feelings about allowances. They can certainly be a hassle when you give an allowance, and the kids still keep asking for things and lobbying for more allowance. Some dads figure that the grief they get from the kids is the same whether they receive an allowance or not, so why bother with the extra effort and cost.

But most dads I know use the allowance system to teach their children the value of money. In the United States, about 60% of families give their children an allowance, according to recent research.

Making an allowance program work for your family can be easy if dads will follow a few simple guidelines and make it an opportunity for teaching your children about being responsible with money.

Why Have Allowances?

There are several important things children can learn from having and being responsible for an allowance.

The Value of Money. It is hard for children to put in perspective the relative worth of things. Having an allowance and the responsibility for its use helps them see these relationships. If they buy something at the store today with their precious allowance, then they are essentially saying that the impulse buy is more important than something else they might want later.

Responsibility for Money. Some fathers I know hate allowances when their children lose the money they have been given or when they "waste" it on something frivolous. But at least children learn that there are consequences for their actions, or their carelessness.

How and Why to Save. Saving for something important, or just saving for a rainy day, is an important concept for children to learn. Receiving an allowance and learning from parents how to save it will serve children all their lives.

Make Mistakes with Smaller Stakes. If children are helped to learn at 10 years old the importance of discipline with money, they can make mistakes with ten dollars now and learn rather than learning with a thousand dollars when they get their first credit card offer as a senior in high school.

Advice About Allowances

Many dads want to teach their children with an allowance, but aren't sure when, how much or how it should be handled. Here is some advice from other fathers and child raising experts about allowances.

When Should I Start? Most experts recommend that somewhere between ages 5 and 7, children are cognitively ready to handle an allowance. Obviously, you should start small with smaller children, but the principles they learn with small amounts will be helpful later with larger sums.

How Much Should I Pay? This is a very individual decision for a family. It kinds of depends on what will come out of the allowance. For example, some families have their children pay for their own clothing out of their allowance. If that is the case, you need to provide enough for them do have money for clothes shopping if they handle the allowance responsibly. You should also not pay more in allowance than you can afford to lose. Author Kerrilyn Bachler suggests that if you are not asking children to pay for needs but just wants, you should consider figures in the range of:

• Age 6-8: $2 weekly
• Ages 9-11: $4 weekly
• Ages 12-13: $5 weekly
• Ages 14-15: $7.50 weekly
• Ages 16-17: $10 weekly

The important thing is for them to have enough to make decisions with but not so much that they can make big mistakes.

Should I Require Savings or Contributions? I think requiring both savings and charitable contributions is a good idea. In our family, we built allowances around the concept of saving 20% of their allowances for college and giving 10% to charitable causes to help them learn the value of saving and sharing. Even when our children reached teenage years and had summer jobs, they continued these percentages and have had a nice little "nest egg" when they entered college.

Should I Tie Allowance to Chores? Fathers I know are all over the map on this question. In our family, we found a bit of a hybrid approach. We defined a basic set of chores for which our children were responsible and rotated them weekly. We taught them that those chores were just what was required as a member of our family. So the routine stuff like dishes, vacuuming, making beds and helping with dinner were totally unrelated to allowances. Our fear was that if every chore had a price tag, a child might decide one day that it wasn't worth $2 to mop the kitchen floor that week. And we wanted them to know that basic responsibilities are just part of family life.

But we did want them to have opportunities to earn extra money toward things they wanted. So the extraordinary chores like raking leaves, cleaning the garage, or washing windows were offered along with a cash amount for their completion. This seemed to strike a nice balance between basic responsibility and the opportunity for additional income.

Many dads I talked to offered some tips for making allowances work better.

Pay consistently weekly. The amounts are easier to manage on a weekly basis for both parents and children. And paying allowances regularly and consistently helped children learn the importance of keeping commitments.

Have a spending journal. Helping your children keep track of what they spend of their allowance and other funds gives them an opportunity to see where their money has gone when a day of reckoning comes and they don't have enough to get something they want. It is a good teaching tool.

Don't manage their spending. Part of what you want to have happen is for your children to make some mistakes when the risks are small. So don't micromanage what they do with their allowance. Help them follow basic rules, but then step aside and let them learn from their mistakes and enjoy the consequences of their choices.

Don't use allowance to correct behavior.Withholding allowance for bad behavior in other areas or for bad grades sends the wrong message. Use good discipline tools for poor behavior; keeping the allowance out of that equation will help you focus on learning the value of money.

Make savings visible. Get a glass quart jar for the children's savings and put it in a visible place so they can see the amount grow. When the jar is full, take it to the bank and put it in a savings account. As your children see their savings grow, they will feel proud of themselves and their discipline.

As you work with your children to teach them the value of money and how money is responsibly used, you will find allowances among the best tools I know for giving them these skills. Keeping it simple, consistent and fair will make the allowance experience a good one for dads and children.

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Abusive Parents

Living with abusive parents can have long time psychological effects on children. Hence, knowing about abusive parents is important to help children in your neighborhood or class who suffer from abuse from their parents. This article will give you some valuable information on abusive parents.

Child abuse is definitely a serious issue and more so when it is done by the parents themselves. Though most people will not believe that parents can abuse their own children, it is a problem that is faced by many young children irrespective to class, race, gender and country. Most people think that child abuse by parents is only physical, however, this is totally untrue. Rather, there are various types of abuse that children can suffer from the parents.

Parental abuse can be emotional, physical and sometimes even sexual. However, the most common and severe parental abuse is when they neglect their children physically as well as emotionally. Exposure to such kind of abuse can cause serious distress in children as the people who are supposed to love and take care of them while in distress are the ones who are actually hurting them. As abusive and neglectful parents can cause severe physical, mental and emotional damage to the children and hamper their normal development, it is important to recognize and take care of children who are being abused by their parents. Hence, let us take a look at abusive parents facts and the effects they can have on children.

What Causes Abusiveness in Parents?

One of the common reason for parents to become abusive towards their kids is that they themselves have experienced it during their childhood. Many people do not even realize that they are abusing their children because such kind of behavior would be something that they would consider as normal. Some parents take aggression and violence as a way of controlling their children. Apart from this, parents who are suffering from certain kind of mental illness or personality disorder can also be abusive towards their children. Moreover, children with parents who have a drinking problem or substance abuse can also become victims of parental abuse as they may be neglected by their parents totally.

Signs of a Child Dealing with Abusive Parents

As the abusers, in this case, are parents themselves, recognizing the signs of abuse can be a little difficult for an outsider. Moreover, children who are victims of the abuse may not come up with the issue because of the fear of getting hurt by their caregivers again. Nevertheless, there are some signs that one can look for, if they suspect that a child is undergoing abuse by his/her parents.

Signs of Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is surely the one that can be recognized easily. Physical abuse like hitting, pinching, beating, shaking, burning, etc., are often used by parents as ways of punishing their children for some wrongdoing. They think that it is the best way of disciplining their children. However, this causes the development of fear in children towards their parents. Children who are being physically abused by their parents can be seen with unexplained and frequent injuries like cuts, bruises and welts. They may shy away from touch or may seem to be afraid of going home.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Little children need love and attention from their parents during their growing up years to feel secured. This should be done not just by buying them gifts, but also by hugging and kissing them. Also, kids like to be appreciated for their achievements by their parents, even if it is small one. However, when this does not happen and the child is humiliated at every step by the parents by calling her a stupid or a fool, the kid can be said to be a victim of emotional child abuse. Such parents may call the child worthless and constantly compare her negatively with other children. Emotionally abusive parents may punish their child by yelling and threatening her or may be by ignoring her completely.

Children who are exposed to domestic violence i.e. if one of the parents is abusing the other, the child can be called a victim of emotional violence. Children who are emotionally abused by their parents are usually fearful, anxious and withdrawn. They may not show any kind of attachment towards their parents or caregiver. They may exhibit extreme behavior, i.e., some kids may behave like adults, while others may show infantile behavior like throwing temper tantrums, rocking, thumb sucking, etc.

Signs of Child Neglect

Parental neglect is said to be one of the most difficult type of abuse to detect as well as to define. Neglect can be defined as a situation where the parents completely ignore the children, both physically as well as emotionally. Such parents may not bother to fulfill their children's basic needs like proper food, clothing, etc. They may leave their children unsupervised at home or at places where the children are not safe. Some of the warning signs that people can observe in a child who is neglected by his parents are filthy and ill fitting clothes, untreated physical injuries and health problems, etc.

Signs of Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse of children is not uncommon, though hardly spoken of. In most cases, the culprit is a close friend or relative and in certain cases, parents themselves. Though people think that only girls become victims of sexual abuse, this is actually quite untrue. Rather, even little boys can become victims of sexual abuse. Children who are abused sexually are usually filled with shame and guilt and are likely to blame themselves for the happenings. Some of the signs that a sexually abused kid may show include difficulty in sitting or walking, making efforts for avoiding a person, showing knowledge about sexual acts, etc.

Abusive Parents: Effect on Children

Growing up in an environment where their physical, emotional and mental needs are not fulfilled does have a strong negative impact on the minds of children. Though the scars left by physical violence will not last for a long time, the emotional scars etched on their minds are permanent and can damage their life as adults.

• Children who have suffered abuse from their parents usually find it difficult to form and maintain long-lasting relationships as adults. As the emotional needs like trust, security, reliability, etc. are not fulfilled in the relationship with the parents, the children are not able to form good and healthy relationships because they do not understand that these are the basic things that are required to maintain a loving relationship.
• Living with abusive parents can hamper the self-esteem of children as parents constantly telling them that they are stupid and worthless for a long time, may make them that it is actually true. As adults, they may not be ready to take up challenges like higher studies, better job, etc., because they may consider themselves as incapable of such achievements.
• The emotional damage caused by sexual abuse, especially by their parents will be most severe. They may live with the feeling of shame and stigma throughout their adult life. Sometimes, this may lead to the occurrence of severe mental as well as psychological problems in the person.
• Children of abusive parents may have difficulty in expressing as well as for controlling their emotions. They are also likely to get addicted to alcohol or drugs, just to relieve the painful thoughts caused by parental abuse.

I hope you have understood the dangerous effects that abusive parents can have on the psyche of children. Hence, if you suspect a kid in your neighborhood or may be in your family undergoing abuse from his/her parents, it is important to make certain efforts to save the child from the damages caused by it. Children who are abused by their parents can be helped with proper treatment and therapy. Though most people ignore such things due to the fear of interfering in other people's lives, you must remember that a step made by you can make a huge difference in the life of an innocent child.

By Deepa Kartha
Last Updated: 9/21/2011

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Article from Buzzle.com
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7 Secrets of Low-Stress Families

What did researchers see when they spied on every living, breathing moment of 32 families for four days straight?

WebMD Feature from "Redbook" Magazine
By Nicole Yorio 
Originally published on September 13, 2010

It was the first experiment of its kind: Thirty-two California families opened their doors (their front doors, bedroom doors, even bathroom doors) to researchers from UCLA who wanted to find out how they manage the demands of work and family life. With a three-person crew, researchers occupied families' homes for four days from morning until bedtime, recording every minute spent folding laundry, every homework panic, every dinner table dispute about the yuckiness of vegetables. The researchers conducted interviews with each of the family members and measured their stress levels throughout the day. The families were studied between 2002 and 2005; each had two working parents, two or more children, and a mortgage — a profile that looks like many American households. "When I observed these families, I felt like I was looking in at my own life," says lead researcher Tami Kremer-Sadlik, Ph.D., director of research at UCLA's Center on the Everyday Lives of Families. "I'm a working mom with two children, and I could identify with the women we studied who reported feeling pressed for time and who were trying to balance work and family demands." But among those stressful moments, researchers also saw the key instances of warmth and love that make great families. And as Kremer-Sadlik and other female researchers who had their own families found out, getting a glimpse into the lives of other families gives us a unique perspective on how to better take care of our own. Use what they learned to calm stress and create joy in your house.

1. Low-stress couples don’t divvy up the chores. 
For one part of the project, Kremer-Sadlik and a colleague studied how couples’ division of housework was connected to their marital satisfaction. "Surprisingly, it didn’t matter how evenly couples split up the chores," Kremer-Sadlik says. "We found that both spouses were happier when both felt like they were working toward the same goal, regardless of who did more" (and women did more across the board). "The women in happy marriages told us that their spouses seemed to have an understanding of what needed to be done. We observed their husbands setting the table while their wife was cooking, or straightening up without being told what to do." Sound too good to be true? Know that just talking about your joint mission for the family can eliminate much of the "keeping score" conflict. "The happy couples often discussed their shared goals for their family," she says. "There was more of awe-ness there — and that spilled over into chores. Their attitude was more, ‘We do for our family,’ not, ‘I do this for you.’" But with two working parents’ and children’s schedules to coordinate, researcher Darby Saxbe, Ph.D., a 33-year-old mom from Los Angeles, observed many couples communicating only about who needed to do what. "It felt like they were running a business!" Saxbe says. "Squeezing in little moments of fun with your partner — whether you steal a quick kiss or exchange a joke — makes a difference." And researchers noticed that in some homes where the wives expressed more appreciation, the husbands also took on more household tasks.

2. Low-stress families find small moments of togetherness.
Every mom fantasizes about taking the perfect family vacation or spending a blissed-out day with her husband and kids. But real-life bonding time is made up of much smaller events. "I think a lot of us have this idea that we need to create big moments of togetherness, but we saw so many times that families had opportunities to connect throughout the day that they weren’t aware of," Kremer-Sadlik says. Those small moments might be the 10 minutes you spend braiding your daughter’s hair or your time spent cheering on your son at his Little League game. "I remember one moment when a daughter and mom were folding laundry, and the daughter stuck her foot in a sock and challenged her mom to find her foot among the pile of laundry," she recalls. "It was a loving moment of laughing and playing around in the midst of daily life."

Belinda Campos, Ph.D., whose focus in the study was family relationships, noticed the same thing. "There’s this cultural ideal of wanting to carve out quality time," says the 36-year-old from Irvine, CA. "But many families overlooked the daily stuff that keeps you connected." One example was the way families reacted when dads came home from work. "There were two types of behaviors among the families: those where the wives and children greeted the dad with a warm hello, and those where the children never got up from their video games and the wives greeted Dad with logistics like, ‘Did you pick up the chicken for dinner?’" Campos says. "But those seconds after Dad walked in the door may have shaped his mood for the night. It’s such a small thing; that’s the moment to acknowledge that a person is coming into a place where he matters."

3. Low-stress parents are role models — not pals.
Treating your partner with respect is not only good for your marriage — it also actually affects the whole family dynamic. "When spouses showed patience and support, as opposed to being impatient, sarcastic, or critical, their children were more respectful toward them, and the smoother the households ran," Kremer-Sadlik says of her findings from a previous study. "Their mini goals throughout the day, such as getting dinner on the table or finishing homework, ran more smoothly and more pleasantly." The same was true for parents who set the rules for the kids, as opposed to those who let their children help make the decisions. "When parents delegated chores to their children, rather than asking them which chores they wanted to do, there were fewer tantrums and arguments," Campos says. "There was still affection and humor in homes where parents were the bosses, but there was never a question of who was in charge."

4. Low-stress moms make dinner from scratch.
Believe it or not, using processed convenience foods for dinner doesn’t actually save you cooking time. That’s what really surprised 39-year-old mom and researcher Margaret Beck, whose focus for the study was food preparation. "All the families spent roughly one hour preparing dinner, whether they used processed foods or fresh ingredients," she says. The moms who prepared more convenience foods tended to overcompensate by having more courses — either side dishes or separate meals for the kids — which wasted time. And if you want your children to eat what’s on the table: "The kids who assisted in the food preparation always ate what was served," Beck says. "And the mood in the house was lighter and happier when the kids spend cooking time in the kitchen." Talk about a win-win!

5. Low-stress moms take five minutes of me time.
There’s a secret to being fully present and enjoying family life after a demanding day at work: "The findings suggested that when women unwound alone for 5 or 10 minutes, it set a positive tone for the rest of the night," says researcher Shu-wen Wang, a 28-year-old mom from Los Angeles who helped review more than 1,540 hours of footage. "Moms reported unwinding by exercising, gardening, or having a candy bar — not that I recommend that last approach! I always felt selfish taking time for me, especially after working all day, but this study proved to me how healthy it is for moms and their families."

6. Low-stress families watch TV together.
If you feel guilty every time your family plops in front a television after a long day rather than doing something more interactive, don’t sweat it. "Families who watched TV together showed many bonding behaviors," Campos says. "Bonding can be sharing snacks, high-fiving each other if the Lakers score a basket, or guessing trivia questions together during Jeopardy!" Even sitcoms can bring you closer. "When families laugh together during a TV show, that’s a shared moment they have in common, and it creates a memory," she says. So on days where you just can’t muster the energy to recruit the kids for crazy 8’s or kickball in the yard, know that a little TV time can be good for your family too.

7. Low-stress families embrace daily rituals.
"I used to believe that spontaneity and excitement were what kept couples connected, but it’s truly the routine and continuity that set the foundation for making family relationships thrive," Wang says. "Whether it was a couple sitting down at the end of the day with a cup of coffee or parents reading a bedtime story to their children, these little moments are what make family life so comforting and kept couples close." Sometimes, the mad-dash moments seem to define our days, but "it’s only when we find moments to slow down that we can fully appreciate those everyday moments that make a family," Saxbe says. "I remember watching a mom kissing her son and tucking him into bed. The son responded, ‘I want another kiss, Mommy!’ So the mom kissed him again. They repeated this five or six times — it was so sweet! Watching this made me appreciate how lucky I am to have a family I care about and how I how important it is to cherish these little moments of love when they come along."

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The 7 Stages of Marriage

                            Stage One: Passion

This is the honeymoon stage, when romance and intense attraction bond a couple together and lead to commitment. In retrospect, it often seems as short-lived as springtime – by two years, most couples have usually lost that initial magic, though this can vary by couple. But when it is happening, the passion stage is very strong and significant. It is a wave of feel-good brain chemicals orchestrated by Mother Nature to make the two of you forsake all others and take action to ensure the survival of the species.

Even if you’re marrying later in life, or for the second time, nature supplies these delicious bursts of neurotransmitters to make you bond. Couples not only frolic and fall madly in love in the passion stage – they begin to establish the trust, respect and emotional intimacy that will support their relationship forever.

Stage Two: Realization

In this stage, the honeymoon ends, and a more real vision of the rest of your life begins. In this stage, you discover your spouse is not only human, he also doesn’t load the dishwasher or lower the toilet seat. Disappointment and early conflicts are the hallmarks of this difficult, unavoidable period, as the two of you make the first steps toward accepting each other for who you really are.

The mission and challenge? No less than laying the groundwork for a long future together based on acceptance, respect and openness to change. You’ll need to assertively discuss and emphatically listen as you both introduce your deepest personal needs and wants. This creates a foundation for being truly known, understood and supported in the years ahead.

                       Stage Three: Rebellion

She misses her friends; he misses his cool toys. She wants to travel; he wants to play weekly softball. She wants to build her career; he wants to build his career. Even for couples who successfully navigate the realization stage of marriage and lay the foundation for a happy, respectful coexistence together, a time inevitably emerges when self-interest often overtakes the interests of the marriage. And when this happens, be ready for the battles.

Love amid the power struggles of the rebellion stage is tricky business. You both believe you’re right, so of course your partner’s wrong. That means you’re simultaneously offended at being called wrong and claiming the moral high ground. Is this any way to run a marriage?

Experts say the drama of the rebellion stage are unavoidable. Learning the art of the good fight is the mission now – often it is the nature of the battles, rather than the substance of the discussion, that leads to trouble. Why? Rebellious thoughts, when met with anger and frustration, often lead to rebellious actions, such as infidelity, outlandish spending, or saying yes to the sudden offer from work to transfer to a new city. Any of these can spell disaster for a marriage.

Stage Four: Cooperation

As marriages progress over time, they inevitably become more complicated. Careers grow, houses get bigger, personal commitments grow deeper, and children arrive. In the cooperation stage, marriage takes on a business-like personality. Set aside all that love and emotion and personal-realization stuff: There are mortgages to be paid, investments to be handled, careers to be directed, health to be managed, and – first and foremost – children to be raised.

                           Step Five: Reunion

If you have children, the cooperation stage often lasts 10 to 20 years – then suddenly it is gone. Your parenting commitments are lessened, your finances established, your career set, your mortgage paid. What then? For happy couples, it is a time to appreciate each other again, not as parents and providers but as lovers and friends, thinkers and seekers. Achieve this and there’s peace, happiness and reconciliation.

That all sounds wonderful but this ideal is often hard to achieve. The embers of passion need stoking; the disillusionment and distance of middle age need to be managed; the roles and expectations of the marriage need recalibrating.

Step Six: Explosion

Job loss, major health problems, a move to a new city, financial troubles, the illness or death of a parent – as you pass through midlife and into the golden years, major life developments seem to come one upon the other. In the explosion phase, either you, your spouse, or both of you are dealing with major, life-shaking events that could affect your relationship for a day, a year, or the rest of your lives. While the other six stages tend to occur in order, the Explosion stage can happen at any time in a marriage though it happens most as we pass through our 40s and 50s.

Confronted by a personal crisis, your marriage can be a source of solace or be sorely tried by the unexpected pressure of new roles, new limitations and new fears. The mission of the explosion stage: Deal the best you can with life’s challenges and changes, but at the same time, keep yourself happy and healthy. Letting your marriage see you through can be as simple as sharing daily joys, provided you sometimes practice the Zen-like art of putting aside fear and stress.

Step Seven: Completion

It’s no coincidence: Lots of surveys find that marital happiness soars after several decades of a shared life. Experts say simply that it’s because the kids are grown, and couples know each other very, very well. But there’s more to it than that. Knowing each other isn’t merely about tolerating each other’s habits, quirks and needs. In the completion stage, “knowing” each other has a far deeper meaning – and a bigger payoff as well.

Part of being a happy man is to never lose the boy within; the same goes for women – there is the spirit of a young girl inside, no matter how many wrinkles edge the eyes. Maintaining a childlike love of life, laughter, nature, and each other is the real secret to a perpetually blessed relationship. It is also living in the present, not the past. In the completion stage of marriage, there is never a belief that the best times are over – they should always be today and tomorrow.

Building a successful marriage is a lifelong challenge. Understanding the different phases a marriage goes through may help you build a stronger and better relationship. Read on to learn more about the seven stages of marriage.

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Article from : Reader's Digest
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Inspirational Video For Parents

The Five Best Gifts to Give Your Family

Written By:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

When we think of giving gifts, we usually think of things to buy for people. Yet if you think back on gifts you’ve been given, it might not be the material gifts you received that are foremost in your mind – it might be the kind of gifts that deeply touched your heart and soul. It might be various ways, other than material things, that people expressed their love to you.

There are five gifts of love that we can give to our families that can make a huge difference in their lives.

THE GIFT OF CARING AND COMPASSION

We all yearn to feel cared for, yet many of us withhold caring and compassion for others. A profound gift we can give to our loved ones is to listen with our heart, to understand and accept rather than to judge, and to stay open to learning rather than to protect against being hurt.

Think about the last time someone actually listened to you and gave you understanding and acceptance. The feeling of being understood and accepted with caring and compassion is one of the best feelings in the world. Instead of focusing on getting this from others, why not focus on giving it to others? You might be surprised at how wonderful you feel in giving this gift to your family.

THE GIFT OF COURAGE

One of the best gifts we can give our loved ones is our own courage. This means being having the courage to stand in our truth, to be honest about what we want and don’t want, what we will do and won’t do, what is and what is not acceptable to us. It means having the courage to take good care of ourselves, even if others don’t like it. It means not succumbing to our controlling behaviors that come from fear: anger, withdrawal, compliance, resistance, but instead being honest and above-board about ourselves. It means being willing to face conflict rather than give ourselves up to avoid it.

When we have the courage to face conflict and tell the truth, we not only provide our family with a role model for courage, but we provide opportunities for our loved ones to step up to the plate in the face of our truth and learn to be courageous too.

THE GIFT OF SERVICE

We are on this planet to learn to love ourselves and each other, and to help each other. One of the best gifts we can give our family is to role model this by doing service. Helping others fills the heart and soul in ways that nothing else can. If children do not see their parents doing service and helping others, they may never learn the great joy and fulfillment that comes from giving. One of the best gifts we can give to our family is to provide ways of doing service.

THE GIFT OF CREATIVITY

All of us are born with various ways of expressing our creativity. Expressing creativity is a profound way of connecting with Spirit, since expressed creativity is a direct expression of Spirit. Providing your family with many ways of expressing their creativity is a great gift. Creativity can be expressed in so many ways – cooking, crafts, building things, music, art, movement, telling stories, writing, humor, photography and video – the possibilities are endless! Creative family projects are especially wonderful in creating family closeness.

THE GIFT OF LIGHTNESS OF BEING

Lightness of being – fun, joy, laughter, playfulness – is a great gift to give to others. Lightness of being is infectious – our laughter and playfulness can help others take life less seriously and “lighten up.”

Lightness of being is one the results of all the other gifts – of caring, courage, service and creativity. When we give these gifts, we feel a wonderful lightness within, the lightness that is the result of fully giving from the heart. Our own lightness of being can bring lightness into our whole family. Children love it when their parents are playful, funloving and joyful. Laughing together as a family is one of the most precious experiences in life.

We need to focus of giving these gifts each day, not just during a holiday season or special occasions. These gifts are far more important than any material thing we can buy for someone. In fact, we might not be so focused on material gifts if we frequently give the gift of love – of caring, compassion, courage, service, creativity, and lightness of being.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of a powerful healing process called Inner Bonding. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.
Phone sessions available.


Article from http://FamilyArticles.net


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Denzel Washington Interview : Devoted to Family and Faith

For Denzel Washington, it’s not about fame and fortune. It’s about keeping the faith.

By David Hochman

Washington’s devotion to his family and deep sense of faith make him something of an anomaly in Hollywood. A member of the Church of God in Christ, the actor has been married to wife Pauletta for almost 25 years. And to hear him gush about their four children—John David, 23, Katia, 20, and twins Malcolm and Olivia, 16, you’d think he was a stay-at-home dad.

On the contrary, Washington works all the time. He’s made 37 movies in the last 29 years, including Academy Award winners Philadelphia, Training Day and Glory.

Although he often plays good-guy roles, this month he appears in American Gangster as a really bad guy. Then, as if to reaffirm his versatility, Washington directs and stars in The Great Debaters, opening Christmas Day, a feel-good movie about a 1930s African American debate team and the inspiring coach (played by who else) who helps them take on Harvard.

Between edits on the film, Washington sat down with Reader’s Digest to talk about fame, fortune and why his personal happiness has little to do with any of that.

RD: What do you think your strengths are as an actor?
Washington: I don’t analyze myself. I put it out there, and it’s up to the people to interpret it. I keep it simple, try to continue my spiritual quest.

RD: Do you think of yourself as a spiritual person?
Washington: Definitely.

RD: In what way?
Washington: I read the Bible every day. I’m in my second pass-through now, in the Book of John. My pastor told me to start with the New Testament, so I did, maybe two years ago. Worked my way through it, then through the Old Testament. Now I’m back in the New Testament. It’s better the second time around.

Godless Hollywood?

RD: Do you ever see a conflict in Hollywood, Godless Hollywood, as a spiritual person?
Washington: Well, wait a minute. Stop. That’s broad. Godless Hollywood? What is that? First of all, Hollywood is a part of Los Angeles, not a way of thinking. When you say Godless Hollywood, are you including me? Are you saying everybody in Hollywood is Godless? That’s like saying Godless Reader’s Digest. No such thing, right?

RD: Right. Right.
Washington: I think it’s easy to generalize. Let’s be specific. We say Godless Hollywood, then we make an assumption that that’s true. It’s not true.

RD: Well, people talk about the violence, the sex—if you watch HBO—in Hollywood.
Washington: Those things happen everywhere. In politics, in war, at the post office. Not just in Hollywood.

RD: Do your spiritual philosophies influence the roles you play?
Washington: I think I’m going to instill it in everything I do, like this conversation. It’s who I am. It goes with me wherever I go. Understand that it’s something bigger than making a film, even American Gangster. When I met Frank Lucas [the drug kingpin the movie is based on], he said, “Do this and win an Oscar.” I’m like, “Frank, I’m not in it for that.” I found it interesting that he paid for his crimes with jail time, and now he’s paying with his body, which has sort of betrayed him. It’s important for me to tell that part of the story. There are consequences.

RD: Who were your childhood heroes?
Washington: I didn’t have a lot of them, but I met one, Gale Sayers. He came to see a play I was in. Oh, man, I was like nine years old again. I wore his number. I wanted to be Gale Sayers. Somebody said, “Gale Sayers heard you talk about him on TV and wanted to say hello.” I said, “Okay. Wait a minute, I got to get myself together.”

RD: What was the meeting like?
Washington: I was like, Oh, he’s smaller than I am! It was very cordial. Early on in the business I also met Jimmy Stewart. That was a treat.

RD: Did you consider them your role models?
Washington: I think a role model is a mentor—someone you see on a daily basis, and you learn from them. I’ve talked a lot about Billy Thomas, [a staffer] at the Boys Club. And Bob Stone, who was my English and acting teacher when I was in college. Those are the two who stand out.

RD: What did you learn from them?
Washington: They gave me confidence. Also, Charles White, who was also at the club. I remember him saying, “With your smarts, you can do anything you want.” Things like that stick with you. I was ten years old, but I never forgot it. You never know the power of words when you speak to young people, which is why I enjoy being involved with them.

RD: Is there one project in you that you feel is your ultimate dream?
Washington: No. There are some stories I want to tell, but I got a great life, period. My ultimate life dream project is my kids. My family.

RD: What’s your parenting style?
Washington: If you have kids, you know there is no style! It’s a hybrid. It’s what my wife and I learned from our parents, and applying religious instruction, discipline, athletic activity and academic excellence whenever possible. My wife’s done a great job. She’s been the consistent one, just trying to give them a normal life.

RD: Do you think it’s hard to live up to a dad like Denzel Washington?
Washington: Well, they don’t know anything different. When my oldest boy was about 14, I started to talk to him about some of the mistakes I made in life, just to put a few dents in that shiny armor.

RD: It’s your son’s second year playing for the Rams. What’s it like for you to see him growing up?
Washington: It’s great helping them navigate this minefield. The job’s not done, but to see him, a man now, responsible, paying bills and finding out what life’s all about. My daughter’s a sophomore in an Ivy League school; that’s unbelievable. And my twins are driving now, so that’s crazy.

RD: So is it different now for you and your wife?
Washington: There are still two [kids] in the house, which is more than most people have. And they bring home more people. In summer it was like a hotel. That they still enjoy coming home, I guess we’re doing a good job.

RD: Why did you want to make The Great Debaters?
Washington: The little train that could, the little guy up against the big guys.


RD: It’s your second time directing. What’s the appeal?
Washington: I like seeing other people do well. I enjoy finding young kids and sharing what I know with them. I like the collaboration. Also, I’m looking down the line. Clint Eastwood is my hero. This guy just seamlessly segued from one career to another.

RD: Your father was a minister. What kind of man was he?
Washington: A gentleman. A real gentle man. A devout Christian. A spirit-filled man, hardworking, low-key, consistent.

RD: Did he play catch with you? Was he a fun dad?
Washington: No, he wasn’t that guy. But I got all that out of my system in the Boys & Girls Club.

RD: Who were you closer with? Your mother or your father?
Washington: I think most boys are closer with their mothers. And like myself nowadays, he was working all day. We didn’t see him. He had one job, I think, from 6 to 12. He’d have a couple hours off, come home, then he’d work his night job. He probably put in 18, 20 hours a day.

Faith and Discipline

RD: That’s a good thing. So you’ve been married for 25 years?
Washington: Coming up on 25 in June. Yeah. I better come up with a plan. So I’ll ask the readers: What should I do for my 25th?

RD: What is the secret to a 24-year marriage?
Washington: Do whatever your wife tells you. Yes, dear. And breathe.

RD: What happens to a relationship after 15, 20 years? Does it change?
Washington: Everything changes. It happens after 15 or 20 days.

RD: How has the onion opened for you two?
Washington: I think it hopefully ends where it starts, which is friendship. And obviously, respect. Understanding our—for lack of a better word—roles. And just getting on with it. Commitment.

RD: How do you get through the hard times?
Washington: You have faith. And discipline as well. You have to work at it. I was just reading today: One day you’re going to have to walk with God when you can’t understand where he’s taking you. [Laughs] Your techniques, skill set and connections won’t get you through. So don’t try this on your own.

RD: What does that say to you?
Washington: It says, He’s got you covered. My faith helps me understand that circumstances don’t dictate my happiness, my inner peace.

RD: If you could change one thing about America what would it be?
Washington: I’d ask to change more than one thing! There are consequences for everything. What’s the domino effect? Start with slavery.

RD: Have you experienced prejudice?
Washington: Sure, absolutely. But I’m a positive person, so I don’t get bogged down with it. If you’re expecting that, if you wallow in that, if you practice that, then you’ll attract what you fear.

RD: People look at you and say you have everything. Do you struggle?
Washington: Struggle? I’m a believer in positive words. You can create your reality. I’d just as soon say I’m doing great. And getting better. I’m looking upward. It’s just my nature.

RD: Do you feel like a success?
Washington: I don’t know what that word means. I’m happy. But success, that goes back to what in somebody’s eyes success means. For me, success is inner peace. That’s a good day for me.

RD: How do you deal with fame?
Washington: It ain’t about me. The one thing for me, understanding how I understand God, is that it keeps me humble, keeps the pronouns out of the picture. I’ve been given certain abilities, and I look at it this way: What are you going to do with what you have? Who are you going to lift up?

RD: You’re a national spokesman for the Boys & Girls Club, and you and your wife work with a number of charities. Why have you gotten so involved?
Washington: It’s what the Bible teaches. It’s the right thing to do. And it’s selfish. There’s a lot of gratification in knowing that you help people. We realize how blessed we are and feel a responsibility to share.

RD: What’s one thing you’d change about yourself?
Washington: My weight! Mind, body and spirit. It’s a discipline, and the body has been lagging. Mind’s really good right now. Spirit is strong, but body’s been lagging. And the body helps the mind. I feel better today having worked out.

RD: Does mortality give you pause?
Washington: No. No. No. Nope. As the old folks used to say, You’re born to dead. It’s a part of life. So you might as well get used to it.

RD: What are you most proud of?
Washington: God, family, work. When our children were born, I was like, My work used to be my life. Now my work is making a living. They’re life. My children are. So what I am proudest of is all of the above. In that order.

RD: How would you like to be remembered?
Washington: I don’t think in those terms. I’m too busy living life.

Downtime with Denzel
RD: Last DVD you saw?
Washington: One I liked: The Lives of Others. And Munich. But I’m really not a movie buff.

RD: What are you reading?
Washington: Books? I don’t have time. Except for the Bible, the No. 1 bestseller.

RD: What’s on your iPod?
Washington: A buddy—not to name-drop—is Lenny Kravitz. I have all his stuff. All of James Brown, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, everything from blues to gospel to jazz. More than 5,000 songs.

RD: Last great vacation you took?
Washington: The Mediterranean. I love to spend time on the water. We’re at sea probably a month each year. In Italy you sit out in a boat in the bay and look back at these beautiful ancient cities.

RD: Favorite motto?
Washington: Do what you got to do so that you can do what you want to do. And fail big.

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From Reader's Digest - December 2007
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Best Parenting Advice

Here is a compilation of all the great parenting advice that we received from readers over the years.

Parenting Advice #1: Lock your bedroom door.
Some people put a cowbell on their kids' door. Just don't count on hearing a knock before you hear the worst words, "daddy, what are you doing to mommy." A lock is very cheap insurance.

Parenting Advice #2: Take thousands and thousands of photos.
With digital that's easy to do. The trick is to edit them so that your computer isn't storing thousands and thousands of pictures. Garry Winogrand, the great 20th century black and white photographer died with 2500 rolls of undeveloped film. He shot and shot and his skill was in finding the diamonds in the rough. With kids, this is doubly important since they rarely sit still for perfect images. The more you shoot, the better chance you'll capture the real them.

Leave a loaded camera on the kitchen counter and be ready for every photo opportunity. The worst camera to have is the one you don't have with you when the perfect shot happens. Rather than buying a super-duper camera, the best dad photographers have a fairly cheap point and shoot camera that's small enough to keep in a pocket and always at the ready.

Parenting Advice #3: Learn how to juggle.
Juggling amazes small and even big children. It's something you can teach them later and it's a basic dad skill.

Parenting Advice #4: Kiss your wife goodbye and hello in front of the kids.
No can overestimate the value of showing the kids every day that they live in a loving and secure home. Do this especially if you're mad or having a fight. It might just have some side benefits to your marriage as well.

Parenting Advice #5: Avoid passing bad habits on to your kids.
If you swear or smoke, think about how your kids are likely to imitate you. It's a big responsibility.

Parenting Advice #6: Don't set your sights to high on what kind of dad you should be.
Every dad wants to be a "great dad," but we all lose our temper, need a break from the kids, and sometimes wonder what we might have done without the responsibilities of parenthood. We're all human, so give yourself a break from worrying that you could be better. Just try to be the best dad you can be at your next shot, whether that is story-reading time tonight or a day at a ballgame this weekend.

Parenting Advice #7: Buy a minivan.
Though not really a "tough" vehicle, a minivan is the perfect family vehicle for its sheer practicality and the comfort it offers.

Parenting Advice #8: Watch cartoons with your kids. Learn the lyrics to the songs. Get MP3s and play them in the car.
The kids will be impressed that you want to join their club.

Parenting Advice #9: Start planning for college fund NOW.

Parenting Advice #10: Be consistent.
Kids like structure and the more you repeat and model consistent behavior, the better chance your kids will act accordingly.

Parenting Advice #11: Learn a few magic tricks.
The granddaddy of them all is the French Drop, where you seemingly grab a coin from one hand and make it disappear. This trick is extremely portable, requires only a coin, and will mystify small children and some dimwitted adults. Search "French Drop" on YouTube for many good tutorials.

Parenting Advice #12: Take a break.
If you work hard and also spend a lot of time with your kids, you need a break every once in a while. Couples who find time to spend alone without kids are better able to maintain close relationships. Time away can be just a date night, or a planned weekend away.

Organizing childcare is not easy, but most couples find that time away gives a reassuring jolt to their relationship and reminds them why they found each other in the first place. This is very valuable especially if you're wondering what you have in common besides the kids.

Parenting Advice #13: Don't drink and drive.
Reality bites, but having kids teaches you a few things. First, you don't ever ever want to have something happen to your family. Second, you don't want to get hurt and not be able to care for your family. Third, you don't want to lose your license and have to make up a lame excuse to your school carpool buddies. Fourth, think of how mad you'd be if you realized how many other people are drinking and driving on the same streets where your kids play.

Parenting Advice #14: Carry your toddlers.
Put them on your shoulders or on your back every day, if your back can take it. The time that you can do that with them is very very short, and it's one of the best memories kids have of their dads from their toddler years.

Parenting Advice #15: Use your watch.
The best way to occupy a bored kid is to hand him your second hand-equipped watch and start peppering him or her with challenges. How long can you stand on one leg? Hold your breath? Keep your eyes open without blinking? Sing the National Anthem/? The list is endless. It keeps them occupied and calms them down.

Parenting Advice #16: NEVER hit your child. Period.

Parenting Advice #17: Quit smoking dope.
Arlo Guthrie said he quit smoking pot when he had kids and realized that he didn't want to be high if something ever happened to a child and he had to figure out how to get help. It sounds uncool to say, but drugs and kids don't mix.

And LASTLY

Parenting Advice #18: Kiss your child every day and say "I love you."
Say these 2 things every day to your child: "I love you" and "I'm proud of you." It's a short list with an endless payoff. (Thanks to David George and "Good Bad/Bad Dad.")

Successful Parents Are ......

Successful Parents are ...

Not perfect ...They make mistakes, but observe and learn from both their own, and the mistakes of others.

Personally involved ... with teaching and training their children. They know God holds only the parents solely responsible for overseeing their child's moral and spiritual development.

Praying and studying ...for the job of parenting! They form their ideas about child discipline from a disciplined and prayerful consideration of Bible principles -- not from popular but unproven humanistic ideas!

Refusing to delegate ... their God-given responsibilities for their own children to the state, the church, or others.

Taking personal charge ... of their children's spiritual education to make sure they receive proper Biblical instruction.

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Article from the Christian Parents.net
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1) SUCCESSFUL PARENTS DON'T EXPECT PERFECTION

Either from themselves or their children. Parenting is an art, not a science. Parent's DO; their children BECOME. Between the "doing" and "becoming" there is room for a lot of mistakes. Successful parents understand that, like themselves, their children aren't perfect, either. These parents expect the best from their children, but not perfection. This frees them to love their children unreservedly.

2) SUCCESSFUL PARENTS DON'T FEAR OCCASIONAL FAILURES

They understand that mistakes are a normal, even healthy part of parenting.They make the best decisions they can and when they're wrong, they learn from their mistakes and try to do better the next time. For successful parents, mistakes (by parents or children) aren't failures but opportunities to learn and grow. And learning isn't possible without mistakes.

3) SUCCESSFUL PARENTS DON'T EXPECT TO ALWAYS HAVE "SMOOTH SAILING"

Children have their own opinions, personalities and preferences. Inevitably, they cause us to say "Where did THAT come from?" or "What WERE you thinking?" Our responsibility to provide them with limits and guidance will sometimes clash with their growing desire for independence. These clashes are inevitable. Succesful parents aren't surprised by them; they expect them. But successful parents understand that their responsibility to their chidlren is not to always please them or make them happy. It's to make the hard decisions that will be for their best in the long run.

4) SUCCESSFUL PARENTS DON'T "GO IT ALONE"

Successful parenting means trusting yourself but not being a "lone ranger". No one has the experience or answers to every parenting challenge. But each of us has some of the answers and, together, we've got them all. So successful parents aren't reluctant to seek out the wisdom of others, whether a trusted older friend or relative or a member of a "Mom's" group. They know that, at the end of the day, the decision is theirs, but before they get there, there is plenty of wisdom aong the way waiting to help them.

Successful parents don't get that way by accident.There are some reliable guidelines they follow.

1) SUCCESSFUL PARENTS TRY HARDER

They face the same prressures we all do: demanding jobs, spouses and children who need us, financial challenges, etc. But they live by this rule: "You get back what you put in". They have a clear sense of priorities for their family and are willing to put in the time to achievce those priorities. they give more than the "average parent" so their children will be more than just "average children". These parents work at nurturing and developing themselves to be the best parents they can become. They try harder!

2) SUCCESSFUL PARENTS ENJOY BEING PARENTS!

They enjoy parenting not because it's easy or instantly rewarding but because of the sheer joy and privilege of cooperating with God in shaping another unique and precious life. Any parent of grown children will tell you "they grow up so quickly". Successful parents remind themselves of that and try to savor every day with their children. They immerse themselves in their children as much as possible and just enjoy them--even the days of dirty diapers, illness and disappointments. They don't just LOVE their children, they LIKE them and look forward to spending time with them. They enjoy being parents.

3) SUCCESFUL PARENTS TRUST GOD AND THEMSELVES

Over time and by learning from sucesses and mistakes, successful parents learn to trust themselves, their instincts, their judgement. After all, they're the "right" parents for their children! And when they don't know the answer, they know that God does, so they pray regularly for wisdom to be the best parents they can be. They use their "sanctified comon sense" to make the many decisions of parenting with calmness and confidence. These wise parents trust God --and trust themselves, too!

4) SUCCESSFUL PARENTS STRIVE TO BE THE PERSON THEY WANT THEIR CHILD TO BECOME

There are no formulas for parents. You can't just "program" children like a computer and be guaranteed of the result. But children are great observers and imitators. They watch, listen and absorb values and habits from the people who have the greatest influence on them: their parents.So successful parents resolve that they will set the best example they can for their children. The determine that they will "Be the person I want my child to become". They work every day at being and becoming a better person as they live before their children. That's the best, time tested way to see your children become the person you hope and pray for.

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Articles taken from: Confident Parenting Today
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How A Child Learns

If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to be shy.

If a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise,
he learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness,
he learns justice.

If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
he learns to find love in the world.

Author: Dorothy Law Nolte

Parenting Skills - An Overview

Parenting Skills - An Overview

Back when our parents were born, parenting skills were learned from the extended family. If parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles didn't live in the same house, they usually lived within a few miles. They were always available to impart their considerable wisdom to the younger generation on the subjects of pregnancy, childbirth, and raising children. Now, we have become such a transient society; it is rare that the extended family is even in the same state!

Since the late 20th and early 21st centuries, parents have had to learn creative ways to raise their children. We surf the Internet, read books, take classes, talk to our parents on the telephone, and make friends with parents who have "been there and done that." We then filter these things through our own morality, sensibilities, and personalities to make them work for our own families. Wouldn't it be easier if each baby arrived with an owner's manual attached?

Parenting Skills - Discipline

Probably the most important and controversial parenting skill is discipline. We parents are conflicted over what type of discipline to apply at what time. Appropriate discipline for a two year-old might not be appropriate or effective for a 10 year-old or a teenager. The most important piece of the discipline puzzle is determining who is in charge: the parents or the child. This may sound simple, but in this day and age, the answer isn't always clear.

The fear of hurting a child's feelings or crushing his spirit coerces many parents into allowing their children to rule the roost. Children need firm boundaries that come from clear and consistent parental discipline. Whether the method is redirection, time-outs, loss of privileges, grounding, extra chores, or spanking, it is crucial that we embrace our role to train our children to become moral, respectable adults.

Parenting Skills - Education

The ability to recognize what we teach our children is one parenting skill from which we can all benefit. From the moment our children are born, they are learning from us. They learn that if they cry, we respond. If they pull our hair, we say, "ouch." If they throw their cup on the floor, we pick it up. As time goes on, we also teach them to walk, talk, get dressed, and say their A-B-C's.

As parents, we also have the responsibility to teach our children morals and values. We cannot depend solely on the schools to fulfill this important duty. At some point during early childhood, parents must make a decision on how to handle a child's formal education. Will the child be home-schooled or will they attend public or private school?

A variety of factors come into play when we consider the education of our children:

Family financial situations,
Quality of local public and private schools,
Level of parental education,
Personalities of parents and children,
Home-schooling support and resources,
And many other issues.

A child's educational success is not always dependent upon where he attends school, but how involved his parents are in his education.

Parenting Skills - Finances

Effectively dealing with financial issues is a parenting skill that will follow us through our children's adulthood. It begins with the heart-stopping thought: "We are having a baby! How on earth will we pay for this?" Many couples choose to delay starting their family until they have saved a comfortable amount of money.

Some families want to save enough to enable Mom to quit work and stay home for a set period of time. Others want enough saved for Mom to stay home indefinitely. Then there are those brave souls who leap in and take things as they come.

But, financial issues do not stop there. If Mom stays home, life insurance becomes even more important to protect the family if Dad passes away. And don't forget saving for college! In 2004, the average public university tuition was over $20,000 for four years. The average private university tuition was four times that amount. That's over $80,000, and these figures don't even consider room and board!

Parents today face diapers, clothing, food, entertainment, education, childcare, allowance, and countless other expenses. Wise parents will look at where they want the family finances to be in one, five, or even ten years, and then write down their goals. These goals can be as simple as putting $50 per month into a college savings account or towards the credit card balance.

Children bring us much joy and much responsibility. Taking the time to plan ahead can take some of the stress and worry out of raising them.